René Leriche, “Every surgeon carries within himself a small cemetery, where from time to time he goes to pray—a place of bitterness and regret, where he must look for an explanation for his failures.”

     Acute Care Surgery is not an easy profession. My time as a surgical critical care fellow challenged me in ways I never predicted.  The challenges of this field are numerous, although not all are unique to acute care surgery. Historically, trauma surgeons worked long hours (with the associated sleep disruptions), unpredictable workloads managing a mixture of high acuity critically-ill and injured patients, high patient mortality rates, and frequent exposure to horrifically injured patients.(1)

     Despite my intense desire to pursue this, I didn't truly grasp the depth of the emotional toll I would face. I am incredibly grateful to the mentors who guided me during my fellowship. I have told plenty of family members about the death of their loved one. There is a palpable difference between the interaction with a family of a patient you never knew- someone who came in unresponsive or someone who died shortly after arrival. It’s tragic, without a doubt, and it’s never easy to tell a family about this unexpected loss. But managing patients in the ICU, you have the opportunity to talk to them, to learn about them as real people, to meet their family.

     There are a few specific patients and family conversations I will never forget. After a busy week during the winter holidays, I was already emotionally drained. Friday morning, I sat in a large room full of family members and had to break the news that their loved one had become significantly sicker overnight. Unfortunately, he continued to deteriorate, and the following day, I had to tell them there was nothing else we could do. From my viewpoint, all human life is valuable. Sometimes it seems incredibly hopeless, which leaves us feeling helpless. It took me a while to gather myself for the second conversation with that same large family. I confided in my attending that I didn't think I could get through the conversation without tears. Thankfully, she gave me the gift of acceptance- she told me that I had established rapport with the family, and it was okay to cry. She also reminded me that I wouldn't have to give a long speech because they would already know that it wasn't good news.

     I am grateful for the opportunities I had to witness intense conversations between senior trauma surgeons and various critical care physicians and patients and families. I learned lots of critical care and patient management, the principles of managing multiple critically ill patients, and advanced operative techniques of trauma and emergency general surgery. But I am most grateful for the "art of medicine" that I learned from my mentors, which can't be taught in a textbook. Learning how to deliver bad news and help families navigate the difficult decision-making process are vital skills in this profession.

This is a challenging specialty. It demands expertise in multiple clinical disciplines, the skill to manage multiple critically ill patients and the ability to balance contradictory needs of competing organ dysfunctions in one patient. Thankfully, with a good team of senior surgeons, you can navigate the nuances while training to practice this honorable profession.

1. The Committee to Develop the Reorganized Specialty of Trauma, Surgical Critical Care, and Emergency Surgery. Acute Care Surgery: Trauma, Critical Care, and Emergency Surgery. J Trauma. 2005;58:614 –616.